Not the Boyfriend
by SMichelleS
Summary: As Team Captain, Rachel just wants to make sure Puck doesn't do something stupid before Sectionals. In the end, she's the one who does something stupid. Takes place among the Season 2 episodes "Never Been Kissed" and "Special Education."
1. Chapter 1

_**This chapter takes place between the episodes "Never Been Kissed," and "The Substitute."**

* * *

_

It was an unseasonably warm November day in Lima, Ohio and Rachel Berry had decided to take advantage of it by eating her lunch at McKinley High's outdoor seating area. Apparently, the entire student body had also decided to do the same as the area was packed with students. Searching for someone she knew with whom to sit, Rachel noticed Sam and Quinn at a table together but decided not to join them, as they appeared to be quite cozy at the moment. Looking around, she noticed Puck sitting by himself at a table all the way in the back. He had an open notebook in front of him, but he was staring ahead in the direction of Sam and Quinn with a blank, unreadable expression on his face.

Rachel sighed. Most of the members of the Glee club had taken bets on how Puck would react to the news of Quinn and Sam's new relationship when he came back to school after his stint in juvie. Rachel had refused to participate, of course, but she knew that the majority of the club members were sure he was going to try to beat Sam up, or at least let loose with a punch. Strangely, he hadn't seemed to react at all, at least not that anyone knew. He hadn't shown any hostility towards Sam or Quinn, hadn't thrown a tantrum of any kind, hadn't acknowledged the situation at all. Rachel had heard that he had been seen storming through school a couple of days ago, but no one seemed to know what that was about, and he had seemed fine yesterday when the boys performed their mashup. She was starting to worry that something was boiling under the surface, and it made her very nervous. Sectionals were only a few weeks away, and the Glee club had only just gotten back its twelfth member. The last thing they needed right now was tension within the group.

Determined to head off any trouble before it could start, Rachel walked over to Puck's table.

"Is this seat taken?" she asked, gesturing towards the bench he was sitting on.

"Yes," Puck responded.

"Oh," she looked around. "By whom?"

"Anyone but you."

Rachel huffed, and sat down, placing her lunch on the table in front of her. Puck rolled his eyes, but then grabbed a handful of her potato chips.

"Where's Finn?"

"Talking to Coach Bieste about some football strategy…thing. I don't really understand the details, to be perfectly honest."

Puck snorted and turned away from her, pulling his notebook towards himself and ignoring her as she started on her lunch. Whatever was written on it couldn't have been very interesting because within moments, Rachel noticed him looking up at Sam and Quinn again. She took a deep breath.

"It bothers you, doesn't it?"

"That you're sitting next to me? Yes."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Sam and Quinn."

Puck shook his head and went back to ignoring her, taking out a pencil and writing something in his notebook. Rachel glanced over and…was he doing…was that _geometry_ homework?

"It's good to see you taking an interest in your studies, Noah."

Puck banged his pencil down and shook his head in exasperation. "Jesus, Rachel, what do you want?"

"There's no need to be so rude. I'm just trying to have a friendly conversation."

Puck tried again. "What. Do. You. Want?"

Rachel took a deep breath and decided to be honest with him. "I want to make sure that you're not going to do anything." Puck just stared at her, so she pressed on. "About Quinn and Sam. I know you must be unhappy about it, and we were all a bit surprised, but Sam is a very sweet boy and I think Quinn needs something a little bit less…complicated right now. I hope you can accept that and be happy for her."

Puck shook his head at her before letting out a little laugh. "Rachel?"

"Yes?"

He raised his eyebrows and casually said, "fuck off."

Rachel gaped at him. "There's really no need for that. I'm just trying to show some concern for you."

Puck scoffed. "Bullshit. You don't care about me. You're just worried I'm gonna beat the shit out of Sam and we'll end up down a member for Sectionals. Again."

Rachel held her chin up. "As Captain of the Glee Club it's my responsibility to make sure that everyone – "

"I'm not going to do anything. Ok? So you can go now." He leaned his head forward and waved mockingly at her. "Bye bye."

Rachel scowled at him. "You're a jerk."

"And you like to stick your nose in where it doesn't belong."

Rachel sighed. "That may be true, but I do think you should take what I said to heart."

Puck leaned towards her and quietly asked, "You think I need you to tell me that she deserves better than me? I know that. You know that." Puck gestured to the other students around them. "Everyone in William McKinley Fucking High School knows that. I get it. I'm a fuck up and a delinquent and no girl with half a brain would go for a guy like me."

Rachel stared at him. "That's not…I didn't… Noah. I simply meant that you and Quinn have a complicated history that might make a relationship difficult. Sam can help her move on after a very hard year. You could try doing the same. There are very many nice girls at McKinley you could try to get to know."

Puck laughed. "Are you serious? You want to set me loose to defile some innocent girl?"

"Must you always be so crass? What about actually finding a nice girl to date?"

"Girls don't date me, Rachel. That's not what I do."

Rachel scoffed. "That's ridiculous. I dated you."

Puck held up a finger, "You used me to make Finn jealous," he said pointedly.

Rachel blushed and looked away. "You were using me too."

"That's not the point. The point is, you may have liked making out with me," Puck smirked as Rachel blushed again, "yeah, you know you did – but when it came to a real boyfriend, you wanted him, not me. Just like Quinn."

Rachel swallowed. She didn't understand how this conversation had ended up here. Grasping, she said, "You dated Santana as well. And while your relationship didn't work out, she's still quite possessive of you."

"She's possessive of my _dick_."

"Noah!" she hissed. "Listen to me –"

"No, you listen to me you nosy little dwarf." He was so close now Rachel could practically feel his breath on her face, but he spoke without anger or heat. "This is how it works: If Quinn wants to make googly eyes at Sam, that's fine with me because I don't _do _relationships. Santana comes to me or lets me come to her when she remembers that she also likes dick, but she didn't want me for a boyfriend. And that's fine too. I'm not the boyfriend. I'm the guy they cheat on their husbands or their boyfriends _with_. I'm the dirty little secret, and I'm good for one thing – fucking them till their eyes roll up in their heads." Rachel's eyes widened. "But they don't leave their boyfriends for _me_ and you know what? That's _fine_. I get all of the perks, and none of the drawbacks." He smirked and sat back, looking at her triumphantly for a moment before returning to his notebook.

Rachel sat there, stunned. For one thing, she didn't think she'd ever heard him use that many words at one time. For another, she couldn't believe the matter-of-fact way in which he'd said it. She didn't buy for one second that he was happy being nothing more than the boy on the side. They hadn't gotten to know each other that well during their brief relationship the year before, but, whatever his sexual appetites, if there was one thing she knew about him it was that his feelings for Quinn had been genuine. She had only ever been disgusted by the thought of his and Quinn's cheating on Finn, but for the first time she wondered if it had hurt him very badly when Quinn had regretted her night with him. If Rachel was perfectly honest with herself, she had to admit that she'd never really given Puck a tremendous amount of thought. She had gone from hating him, to being attracted to him, to accepting him as a valued teammate who liked to needle her with disgusting comments. But he was such a…such a _character_, with his silly Mohawk and his "badass" persona, that she never thought to take him that seriously. Now Rachel found herself sitting at a lunch table staring at Noah Puckerman and wondering if he had ever been loved.

And for some reason that sad, horrible thought made her irrationally furious. Furious with _him._ He had asked her, when she'd broken up with him, why girls didn't like him, and she'd told him it was because he was kind of a jerk. And he _was_ a jerk. He was a jerk, and a bully, and a delinquent who stole ATMs, slept with married women, and got his best friend's girlfriend pregnant. He pushed people away with every action, destroyed his friendships, and sabotaged his relationships. This boy – and he _was_ just a boy. Underneath the haircut and posturing and talk of "being a man," he was just a boy, just a _child_ who had been abandoned by his father, and who had already – at such a young age – already fathered a child of his own and been forced to give her up. She wanted to tell him that she saw right through him, wanted to scream, to cry, to hug him, to pound his chest with her fists.

And then it hit her. "You joined Glee."

He gave her a dumbfounded look. "What?"

"No one was ever really sure why. Maybe for Quinn, and the baby." She noticed him flinch, but she pressed on. "But you joined Glee, and you _stayed_ in Glee, even after Quinn, even after you got slushied and lost your popularity, even after you came back from juvie and you looked so different, so _mean_, so much like the old Puck that when Artie and I saw you in the parking lot that morning we were sure you were quitting Glee and going back to your old ways. I honestly thought I'd turn a corner and find you throwing a slushie in my face. But there you were, at the morning meeting, and you were even more obnoxious and disgusting than usual, but you were _there._ And you know why?"

"Chicks dig singers?"

"Yes," she agreed, and she couldn't help but smile a bit. "And you've certainly used that fact to your advantage multiple times. But that's not all. It's more than that. You're there for the same reason Santana is, despite her endless supply of rude comments."

Puck crossed his arms and looked at her expectantly.

"You _love_ Glee. It's the best part of your day," she said with satisfaction.

Puck snorted. "You're crazy."

Rachel shrugged.

"Whatever. What does this have to do with anything?"

"You're very talented, and you enjoy performing. But if that was all you wanted to do, you could do it on your own, or start a band. You like performing with _us_. You like being on our team. You like knowing that the people in the choir room accept you, with or without your Mohawk." She jutted her head to another table where Karofsky and Azimio were sitting with a number of other jocks, messing around. "You still play football, but you're not theirs anymore. You're _ours_."

Puck stared at her like she had grown two heads. "You have lost your damn mind. What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Rachel got up and started collecting her things. "It means, Noah Puckerman, that there's hope for you yet."

As she walked away, she heard him yelling behind her, "You're a lunatic, Berry!"

She spun on her heel and gave him a bright smile. "I'll see you in rehearsal, Noah," she said, before spinning around again and walking away.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: **I originally intended this story as a one-shot, but recent events on the show have tied into it too perfectly, so I've expanded it a bit. I expect to write one more chapter after this one._

**_This chapter takes place during the second season episode "Special Education."_**

_

* * *

_

"_I'm not the boyfriend," _he had said.

"_I'm the guy they cheat on their boyfriends with."_

Oh God. What had she done?

* * *

Rachel had been surprised when Puck approached her that day in the hallway. It was rare for them to ever speak to each other alone outside of Glee Club, and rarer still that _he_ approached _her. _But there he was, offering smiles and his arm and being _nice_ to her; and since that also felt rare to her lately, she took all that he offered, placing her hand through his proffered arm. She commented on the fact that his muscles seemed even larger, and as he made some inane comment about steroids that she didn't believe for a second – Noah Puckerman taking drugs that would adversely affect his sexual activities? – a thought popped into her head that she couldn't get rid of.

"_Let's see how _he_ likes it."_

If Santana Lopez was the hottest girl in school, then Noah Puckerman was indisputably the hottest guy. Everyone knew it. Rachel had always recognized that he was incredibly handsome, even if in the past his looks had been marred in her mind by his disgusting, bullying ways. It was hard to find a guy attractive when he constantly threw slushies in your face. Even after he'd stopped, she'd mostly filed his attractiveness away as something to know but not acknowledge other than when she was forced to – generally when they suddenly found themselves alone together. Which was perhaps another reason that rarely happened.

As she continued walking, she wondered what Finn would think if he could see her on the arm of the hottest boy in school. A boy known for his sexual prowess. A boy she'd once dated. A boy she'd once kissed.

A boy who was suddenly being nice to her when no one else was. Not even Finn.

"So where's your next class?"

Rachel looked up at him and answered, "English, same as you."

He looked surprised. "We have English together?"

Rachel rolled her eyes but smiled. "Well, yes, which you'd know if you ever bothered to show up."

"Guess I'm going today, then, huh?"

After picking up their books from their respective lockers, Puck walked Rachel to class, and they ended up at a table together. He had apparently decided to try to cheer her up by sending her notes with increasingly offensive dirty jokes written on them as well as some fairly crude drawings. Rachel finally stopped reading them and pretended to ignore him for the rest of the class. When she refused to read his next note, Puck poked her on the arm until she finally gave him a light smack on the side to get him to stop before the teacher noticed. For some reason, he hissed at that, flinching, and when she looked at him questioningly he just shook his head and made an "it's nothing" face.

Suspicious, Rachel waited until the teacher had turned her back before she quickly grabbed hold of Puck's sweatshirt and lifted it up a bit before he had a chance to stop her. He managed to grab her wrists and push her away, all the while leering at her, but not before she saw that his torso was covered in bruises. She stared at him, but he just shook his head again and pretended to take notes on what the teacher was saying. When the bell rang and they were in the hallway outside of class, Rachel turned to face him.

"Who did that to you?"

Puck shrugged. "What, you thought the football team got me into the port-a-potty without a fight? They weren't too happy with my idea that they join the Glee Club."

Rachel's jaw dropped. "The football team did that? The _whole team?_"

Puck shrugged again. "Minus the Glee guys."

"You could have gotten seriously hurt! Was Karofsky in on it too?"

"Yeah, but – "

He was cut off as Rachel grabbed his hand and started marching towards the choir room. "We have to tell Mr. Schuester about this. I can't believe you didn't tell us this part."

Puck stopped short, pulling his hand back. "No, Rachel, no, listen. There's no point. He's just gonna freak out and make me see Figgins."

"Exactly!"

Puck shook his head. "No can do. Not happening. All that will do is get me tossed back into juvie."

Rachel stared at him. "But _the_y attacked _you_!"

"Yeah? Tell that to the Judge. Karofsky and the guys will just say that I tried to attack him for what happened with Kurt and the rest of the team jumped in to stop me. It's my word against theirs, and _I'm_ the delinquent on probation. We breathe one word of this and my ass is back in juvie, and then you're down a member again for Sectionals. Wouldn't want that, would you?" He smirked at her again.

Rachel deflated. "But this is so unfair."

He held up his hands in a "what can you do?" gesture. "It's fine. Seriously, I've had way worse. I was in a fight club, remember?"

Rachel made a face at that and turned to rest her back on the wall, crossing her arms. She couldn't believe it. Here they had perfect evidence of Karofsky's violent tendencies and they couldn't do anything about it. Puck had gotten beaten up and locked in a port-a-potty overnight and the only response from the authorities would be to punish _him_. It really was incredibly unfair – just like everything else in her life lately. Kurt was gone just when they'd kind of started to become friends. Santana and Quinn, who were beautiful and popular cheerleaders, had been given all of the solos while she had none. Mr. Schuester had yelled at her in front of everybody even though she wasn't the only one complaining. And _Finn_ had _slept_ with _Santana_ and _lied_ to her about it.

Finn…

Puck's voice pulled her out of her miserable reverie.

"Hey, listen, if you wanna comfort me, you know, soothe away my pain…"

Rachel looked up to see him grinning at her. He was joking. She tilted her head at him and, smiling sadly, said, "I thought you were supposed to be the one comforting me right now."

He nodded. "Good point. Gotta do what I can to help my fellow Jew. And I know just the way to do it."

Rachel rolled her eyes, waiting for the inevitable suggestive comment.

"Music project."

* * *

The next two days passed miserably for Rachel. Kurt came to school to visit, which was nice, but singing her solo for him just reminded her of the fact that she wasn't singing one at Sectionals. And seeing Kurt in that Dalton uniform reminded her of the fact that he was gone now. The idea of going to competition without him felt strange and wrong.

The Glee Club was so busy with rehearsals and costume fittings that she and Puck hadn't had time to even talk to each other, never mind work on any "music project." The day after Kurt's visit, Rachel and Finn got into another fight. He didn't understand why she couldn't forgive him, and she couldn't understand why he didn't see what the problem was. She knew she was putting him on the defensive, but she didn't know how else to explain to him why she was so hurt. She felt miserable and angry and when she got home she called Puck and asked if he wanted to come over to work on their project.

So that evening Puck and Rachel sat in her living room arguing over what sort of project to do. As the Glee Club was busy rehearsing for Sectionals, Mr. Schuester hadn't given them an assignment for that week, so they didn't have any sort of starting off point. Puck wanted to do something for Hannukah, but Rachel thought that was ridiculous since Hannukah had ended the week before. She suggested they try to come up with an idea for a number for Regionals, but he'd quickly shot that down with a groan, claiming he couldn't think about Regionals before they'd even gotten Sectionals over with.

"I still think we should do something Jewish," Puck said firmly. "We didn't get to do anything for Hannukah because we were so caught up in the wedding, and you know we're gonna be singing a bunch of Christmas songs next week. We really gotta represent."

Rachel was about to argue with him again when she had an idea. "What if we didn't do something _Jewish_, exactly, but something in Hebrew?"

"Like what?"

"Have you ever heard of Idan Raichel?" Puck shook his head. "He's an Israeli singer and songwriter. A cousin of mine emailed some of his music to me, and while it's not my usual style, I actually quite enjoyed it. He incorporates guest singers and different world music styles. A lot of the lyrics are Biblically based."

Puck shrugged. "So let's hear it."

"It's all on the computer in my room."

And that's how Rachel found herself alone in her room that evening with Noah Puckerman. Puck sat down at her desk, and she leaned over him to open the music up on her computer. She decided to play her favorite song, "Mimaamakim (Out of the Depths)," for him. Puck looked skeptical at first, but as the song built up to the chorus he seemed to get into it a little more and actually started trying to mimic the music on his guitar. Rachel was amazed that he could do that.

"I think this song would actually really suit your voice," she told him. And she meant it. The more she listened, the more she realized that he would sound really lovely on it.

"Maybe. But I'd have to learn the lyrics – whatdyacallit? – phonetically? I mean, I don't actually know much Hebrew."

"No, neither do I. But it's surprisingly easy, once you've listened to the song enough times. I've actually taught myself the chorus to one of the songs."

Ignoring his muttered "Of course you have," she clicked on iTunes to a song called "Oolai Hapa'am" which she'd been amused to learn translated to "Maybe this Time." This song was actually sung by a woman, and something about the music had an old-fashioned French feel to her. Like something Edith Piaf would sing forlornly in a nightclub in Paris, if Edith Piaf sang in Hebrew instead of French. When it got to the chorus, Rachel started singing along. Wanting to know exactly what she was singing when she had taught herself the song, she had looked up all the lyrics online and knew exactly what they meant.

_I cry whole nights, about you, about me_

_About how it once was_

_And how it isn't now_

_Since the dream of Autumn was shattered_

_About what I wanted, and you didn't_

_About what she is, and I'm not_

Rachel sat down heavily on the edge of her bed as the song played out. Puck turned the music off, set his guitar down, and sat down next to her.

"Hey," he said, "remember the last time we were here?"

She looked up to see him waggling his eyebrows at her, and she laughed softly.

"Yes. You were attempting to convince me to cheat on Jesse and I was attempting to convince you to make my 'Bad Reputation' video."

He groaned and put a hand over his face. "Oh my God, that stupid video."

She huffed. "It was not stupid. Nobody here understands true art."

"Rachel? It was crap. Seriously. I can't believe I got molested by Mr. Ryerson for that shit."

Her mouth dropped, and she couldn't help the giggle that escaped. "Noah! He did not _molest_ you!"

"Oh no, I forgot, I had you there to be my bodyguard. My tiny, pocket-sized protector."

She giggled again and he smiled at her. Noah Puckerman's smile was an unnerving thing. Puck smirked, he sneered, he grinned lecherously; but a genuine smile on him was rare – usually reserved for when he was performing – and it changed his whole face.

Rachel got quiet. "Finn and Jesse were both so mad at me."

Puck shrugged. "They liked you."

Rachel thought about that for a moment before looking up at him again. "Noah? Why are you being so nice to me?"

"I told you – "

"Yes, yes, you promised God you would be nicer to Jews, I know. You do realize that includes Jacob Ben Israel, right?"

She watched the horror come over his face. "Fuck. _That_." he whispered. He looked at her. "Ok, so just Jews in the Glee Club, then."

Rachel rolled her eyes and then scooted herself back on her bed. A part of her mind screamed at her that this was dangerous territory, but she brutally shut it down. Sitting sideways and tucking her legs under herself Indian style, she watched Puck follow her up, relaxing his back against her pillows and stretching his legs down the bed, crossing them at the ankles.

"You've done a lot for the Glee Club lately. It doesn't bother you that you didn't get any solos for Sectionals? You're a much better singer than Sam."

"Nah. I got two at Regionals. Anyway, I hate that shitty _Dirty Dancing_ song."

Rachel looked down. "I know that I'm supposed to be more of a team player, but I don't know how to not be upset about not getting a solo."

"I get it. Glee is your thing."

She nodded. "Yes, it is my thing. Or it was." All she had were Glee and Finn.

And Santana had them both.

"What's so special about Santana, anyway? It's not enough she gets to be a cheerleader, and hot, now she gets to be the star of the Glee Club too?" She knew she was whining, but she couldn't stop herself.

"Hey, calm down. You're still the star of the Glee Club. Everyone knows that. And you're just as hot as she is."

She scoffed at him.

"Seriously. Best lookin' Jew I know. Besides me, of course. We are two serious Jewish hotties."

She looked at him, and somehow she could tell that he meant it. He thought she was hot. He'd never been shy about saying it. He _wanted_ her. She knew that from past experience. He was the hottest boy in school. He was here, in her bed, and his eyelashes were insane.

And he was experienced. Just like Santana.

Suddenly the air around them changed. He stared at her as she uncrossed her legs and scooted down so that she was lying on her side across from him. As their lips moved closer together, her mind started screaming at her again, but she shut it down with that same vicious thought she'd had a few days ago.

"_Let's see how _he_ likes it."_

They kissed once. Twice. And then they were kissing. A vision of Finn popped into her head, almost causing her to hesitate until the vision changed to one of Finn and Santana – kissing, making love. She smashed her lips against Puck's, closing her teeth around his lower lip, and he pulled back, startled. She thought for a second that he would pull away, but then his eyes darkened and they both leaned in for another kiss. Another. She put her hand on his shoulder and wished he would touch her. Hold her. Make her feel better. Make her feel wanted.

Abruptly, he pulled away.

She wondered aloud if she had bitten him again, but he looked up at her and told her that he couldn't do this to Finn. He apologized and said he had to leave.

And then he was gone. Moments later she heard her front door slam shut.

Rachel fell back on her pillows and let the weight of what had just happened sink in.

"_I did this to Finn once before. I can't to it again."_

Oh God. Puck. Quinn. Finn. The lies. The _baby._

What had she done?


	3. Chapter 3

The bus ride to Sectionals was a tense one. Rachel now had guilt to add to the list of horrible emotions she was feeling. Her anger had started to dissipate, and the hurt and betrayal were less, but they were still there. Still, when Finn smiled hesitantly at her and asked if they could sit together, she agreed. They didn't talk much, but when he put his hand on hers, she didn't pull it away. Rachel wondered if she'd ever tell him what happened. After all, he'd been lying to her for months, even when she gave him a perfect opportunity to come clean. That had to mean something, right? There had to be a reason he kept quiet. Kept deceiving her. Not for the first time she wondered if he would have slept with her without telling her the truth. Would he have let her believe it was the first time for both of them? She knew she should ask, give him the opportunity to explain, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Puck had greeted her when she'd arrived, neither too friendly nor too cold, and he was acting as though nothing had happened, so she decided to do the same. She pushed her guilty feelings out of her mind and focused on getting through the day. The most important thing right now was winning Sectionals. The show, as they say, had to go on.

But when she spoke to Kurt her anger came back full force. Finding out about Santana in front of everyone had been humiliating enough; now to find out that the entire Glee Club had always known about it was even worse. Then Santana made that remark about no one in the Glee Club liking her and instead of defending her, or telling Santana to shut up, Finn had just gotten angry with _Rachel._ Only Puck had bothered to contradict Santana's statement, and Rachel didn't even want to deal with that because it only made her feel guilty again.

They performed their set, and somehow, somehow everything seemed right again. They were on stage, doing what they did best, and Rachel found that even without getting a solo she was having a good time. She felt light, exhilarated, and everything else just melted away. And then they'd won (well, tied), and Finn had hugged her, and Rachel knew, in that moment, that she had to try to forgive him. He hadn't even been with her when he was with Santana. She had to give him another chance. She loved him.

And that meant dealing with everything that had happened. She couldn't just push it aside anymore.

* * *

As she rang the bell of the Puckermans' house that night, Puck's words from a few weeks before kept ringing in her head.

"_I'm not the boyfriend. I'm the one they cheat on their boyfriends with."_

When no one answered at first, she shifted the plate of cookies in her hand and rang again.

"_I'm the dirty little secret, and I'm good for one thing."_

Finally Puck himself answered the door. Strangely, he didn't look surprised to see her. Just moved aside and let her enter his living room.

"Here," she said, shoving the plate of cookies at him and taking off her coat and gloves. He gave her a blank look and took the plate, pulling off the foil cover and staring at the cookies.

"'I'm sorry?'" he read. He looked completely bewildered.

"Yes, I'm sorry for what happened, Noah."

He actually tried to hand them back to her. "Oh, hell no, no way, chicks do _not_ apologize for making out with me. It's like, a rule. Shouldn't you be giving these to Finn?"

"I don't know what I'm going to do about Finn yet. How I'm going to…" she shook her head and trailed off.

"You can blame it on me, if you want."

She looked up at him. "What?"

"Tell him I tried to seduce you. Took advantage of your 'vulnerable state,' or whatever. He'll believe it."

Rachel felt her eyes start to well up with tears and her lip begin to tremble. Puck's eyes widened in horror, and he quickly put the plate down on the coffee table and grabbed her upper arms, forcing her to sit down on the couch.

"Oh no, no, do _not_ cry, I can't even…just don't cry. Look, here," he reached over and grabbed one of the cookies, stuffing it into his mouth. "Mmm, yum yum," he added, crumbs falling from his lips. The scene was so ridiculous that Rachel actually did stop and just stared at him. Sighing in relief, he sat down next to her and sank back on the couch.

Rachel made sure she had completely gotten hold of herself before she spoke, directing her words to her knees. "I'm not going to blame it on you. That's horrible. Why would I do that? Do you have any idea how guilty I feel? I'm not going to ruin your friendship with Finn just when you've started getting along again. You're the one who…who showed him loyalty. If there's one thing I can do right in this whole thing it's make sure he knows that."

He shrugged. "Your funeral. Do whatever you want." He was quiet for a moment before he added, "I wasn't, you know." She looked at him. "Trying to get into your pants. I mean, that wasn't why – "

"I know." And that was what made it so much worse. She had known exactly what she was doing. And she hadn't even considered…she hadn't considered _him._ Hadn't thought about what it would mean for him. She had used him. In exactly the same way every other woman he'd ever been involved with had used him. And even though he acted as though he preferred things that way – that he specifically sought out those kinds of relationships – it still upset her. A few weeks ago she'd been so angry at the idea of it, and now she'd gone and done it too. She'd practically made him relive history.

"_I'm the dirty little secret, and I'm good for one thing._"

Was he her dirty little secret now?

She looked down at her knees again. "You've been so nice to me, and I…I took advantage of…that, and I put your friendship with Finn in jeopardy. I'm sorry. I should have…but I didn't even consider the whole…the whole history…and - "

He cut her off. "Stop. Seriously, just stop. Please." When she glanced at him again he looked completely weirded out. Not angry, just…disturbed. She wondered if anyone had ever apologized to him before about anything. It bothered her so much that he didn't seem to think he deserved better than to be treated this way. To be seen this way.

She looked up at him again and said, "I wasn't either." He gave her a questioning look, so she continued, "trying to, um, 'get in your pants.' I mean, all that time we were...I wasn't –"

"I know," he cut in. Then he smirked. "Not that I'd have minded." She rolled her eyes. It seemed pointless to try to even talk to him about this. He was too stubborn. Too sure that he knew his place in life. They sat in silence for a while, the only sound in the room Puck's munching on his cookie. Finally, Rachel decided she couldn't hold her question in any longer.

"Can I ask you something? It's…somewhat personal. I'll understand if you say no."

He eyed her warily, but said, "shoot."

"Have you ever…been with someone that you…well, that you really had feelings for?"

His eyes narrowed, and she was sure that he was going to throw her out of his house, but he just stared at her stonily before he looked away and said, "once."

She nodded. They both knew whom they were talking about.

"But you'd…you'd been with a lot of other women. Experienced women. So did it…did having feelings for her make it, um…special? Even though she, um, even _if _she…she wasn't also experienced?"

His eyes widened, and then he stared at her so long and hard that she started to feel uncomfortable and exposed, like he was seeing right through her. In fact, she was sure he was. She couldn't think. Could barely breathe.

"Yes," he said slowly. "It's special when it's with someone special."

Rachel felt something constrict in her chest. She swallowed and nodded, but didn't trust herself to speak.

Puck sighed and shook his head. "Shit, Rachel, is that what you've been worried about all this time? Jesus." He slumped back against the couch, rubbing his face with his hands. "Do you really think that shit matters? Who and how many?"

Rachel didn't know how to answer that. She was afraid if she tried to speak she'd start crying and he'd panic again. What was it with boys and their inability to deal with female tears?

"You have to talk to him. Give him a fucking chance to explain himself. You can't just…assume shit, ok?"

Rachel nodded again. She knew he was right.

"I'm sure you'll be a fantastic lay."

Rachel's head shot up at that, and she gaped at him, only to see him grinning at her. The knot in her chest bubbled up into a strangled laugh.

"Noah Puckerman, you are positively –"

"Awesome, I know. I can't help it." He shrugged helplessly.

She shook her head and wondered where this boy had come from. Did he really used to throw slushies in her face? It felt like a lifetime ago. Had this always been there, underneath the bullying and thieving and whoring? Well…he was still thieving and whoring, she supposed. Noah Puckerman was a work in progress.

"I should…get going."

"Cool."

She got up and started gathering her things, and then he walked her to the door.

She turned to face him and tried to get this out before he could stop her. "You're a special person, Noah. And you deserve to be…you deserve something special. One day you'll get it. I know it." She stood up on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you. For everything."

He bobbed his head in that way he always did. "Just doin' my duty."

"Right. Of course. Well, good night."

"Night."

She started down his front stairs and then turned around just as he was closing the door.

"Noah?"

He opened the door back up and raised his eyebrows at her.

"You are a very, very good Jew."

He made a "duh" face, as though he was offended she even had to say it.

"Damn straight!"

Rachel smiled and turned around, heading back down the walk. Tomorrow she'd tell Finn, and whatever happened, happened.

* * *

**_Well, that's it! Hope you all enjoyed, and that canon doesn't end up contradicting it too badly._**


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